Thursday Thots

Thots? Can’t trust them. Thoughts? Can’t trust those either. Bijan Robinson not being available in the 11th round of a redraft league? Shockingly cannot trust that. A segment titled “Thursday Thots” coming out on a Thursday? Guess what, can’ttrust that either. Now, what can we trust? Easy, Urban Dictionary. According to the highly remarked Urban Dictionary user Vaginaeater123 (that’s real) a ‘Thot’ or ‘Thots’ are “fake ass bitchs who think they are the shit”. Use it in a sentence you say? Sure, Vaginaeater123 says, “All those Thots are fake as fuck”. Got it? Great, lets rank our top five Thots of the week.

#5 – David Montgomery

David Montgomery? What the hell is going on here? What did they do to us? Spoiler, my Thots list is all about the Bad Bitches, you know the ones that suck and not in a good way?Unfortunately for David Montgomery he was es no good, bad, and for that reason is our honorary Thot. 6 carries for 10 yards? 4 fantasy points? Yea, I’d say that’ll do it, that’ll make you a Thot for thinking he could even come close to his almost 30 point performance last week. This is the type of performance that has you heading back from the bars at 9:30. Gameplan was solid, drinks were flowing, the talent was there, but at the end of the night, not a woman talked to, not a phone number received, just a bar tab of 18 Mic Ultra’s and an Uber ride back. Sad day, regroup with the boys and get back at it next week.

#4 – Justin Herbert

Now, if this was a ranking of football players and their wives, we might have some good things to say about Justin Herbert, with a heavy emphasis on the wife part. But Justin Herbert the football player? BAD. Sure, the Raiders have 1.5 good players on defense, and maybe a ball or two was dropped, but I’ve seen a better passing game from Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite. Justin Herbert could certainly never throw a ball of them mountains. Over the head of a receiver? In the hands of the other team? Directly into the ground? Sure, Herberts got you covered there. Certified thot and has the potential to be a perineal thot if he keeps up this shit. Hebert didn’t even make it to the bar, passed out in the kitchen before the Ubers even arrived.

#3 – Caleb Williams

Nobody look!!! Nobody look!!! Nobody look!!! Es bad!!! Es no good!!! Are we bringing out carts and tweeting out positive vibes to a player who has a boo boo on his hamstring? As a 30 year old, out of shape male who is 29 years past his prime, I pitythe fool who has me thinking his achilles snap, crackled, and exploded into a million pieces with that reaction. And the crying thumbs up? Jeez, I bet he wishes his whole leg was fired into the sun to make up for that gesture. Hopefully his teammates stick by him. I remember an up-and-coming quarterback who cried like a bitch and got carried off for an ankle sprain. Do you know what happened to him? He lost his job to a guy named Bailey Zappe. I don’t even know if that is how you spell it, but next Thot up am I right? Luckily for Caleb, he is an amazing athlete and good quarterback, but allegedly the new Madden rankings have his injury at 0 and thotness at an 80. Made it to the bar, had one non-alcoholic beer and got carried out by security, classic thot.

# 2 Marvin Harrison Jr.

Has there ever been a better player to anchor the Thots than Maserati Marv? Physically gifted, great size, excellent college tape, potential through the roof. Everything you would want to see in a Thot. Unfortunately for Marv he is supposed to be playing football, if that was a description of his Tinder profile,we’d be swiping right so hard our elbows would look like Jayden Daniels’ (sorry Jayden for the ricochet). Marv put up a goose egg while playing 74% of the snaps…he better skkkrrrthis ass to the bench. Unfortunately for Marv his production this year has been worse than this Thot segment of him, but sometimes you see a Thot and you just know. Not only did Marv make it to the bar, he shut it down, lights came on and they politely asked if he could leave. The problem? He ran the wrong route and was at a Chuck E. Cheese, dropped his keys in the parking lot, and had to hitchhike back.

#1 – Sydney Sweeney.

Did you guys know that Sydney Sweeney scored a 10% on Rotten Tomatoes for a movie she did in 2024? 2024?! Like her prime years (maybe?). Michael Jordan in his prime played baseball and hit 3 home runs, and Sydney Sweeney is putting up a 10% on Rotten Tomatoes?? You’re telling me the same person that can sell her own bath water to freaks in soap form is putting up Maserati Marv numbers? At least she is helping keep a very small portion of those men’s bodies clean…and I mean SMALL portion. I am not sure who Vaginaeater123 had in mind when coming up with that well thought out definition, but Sydney Sweeney seems to be a fake ass bitch who thinks she is the shit, or a baDD bitch (see how I had two d’s there, kinda funny right? That wasn’t a typo that was on purpose. I won’t go into further detail as I know there are women who may read this and I don’t want to spoil the innocent minds of the committee).

Honorable Mention: Alec Pierce. Ever try having ankles? Helps when you want to play football.