Thursday Thots Pt. 2
Guess whose back, back again, thots are back, on Wednesday again. Boy oh boy, we had some thots THOTTIN this week, double cheeked up on a Thursday afternoon, hella ass. There is nothing worse than trying to enjoy a nice Sunday with some football, vibes are high, you’re looking forward to a nice, relaxing day of being a couch potato (maybe catch a quick nap?), and then BAM 1:15 hits and your day is ruined because everyone sucks and fantasy football ruins lives. Yea man, I get it, but before we get down and dirty, let’s start off with an inspirational quote from the noble Abraham Lincoln: “If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” Wow…some heavy stuff guys. Thot nation…LETS RIDE. *John Cena theme music carries us out*
#5 – Dalton Schultz
Hey guys, look at me, I’ve had 22 targets and 16 catches in my first two weeks including 14 targets last week. 14! I can’t even count that high! I only have 10 fingers! Surely this man would see some action going against the 30th (currently) ranked passing defense in the league, right? Right? WRONG! How about a tasty 3 catches for 30 yards. Yea I think THAT will do it. Probably had too much shit on him, probably doesn’t want to be around anymore. Well guess what Dalton, maybe we don’t want you around anymore either. He better have had a good excuse for stinking up the joint like that. Maybe a hit and run? Maybe they didn’t even matter? Maybe we shouldn’t be worried AT ALL? I’m worried Dalton, I’m very worried.
#4 – Tet McMillan
Speaking of thots and ass and cheeks and suck and shit…how about this guy. This guy did NOT rock. Did he simply forget that people took their own hard earned money, their own time out of their day, hours of study and prep, to draft him? And he is just going to suck like that? Like, does he have a heart? Did he even try this week? 2 catches for 17 yards? Now, I may not be able to count that high, but 17 yards does not seem like a lot. And 2.7 fantasy points? Sheesh, for fantasy football that is bad with a capital B-A-D! Now, in other terms, 2.7 is HUGE, massive, maybe even too much? But for fantasy football, those are rookie numbers, you gotta pump those up. We’ll cut him a little slack since he played in Cleveland, and that has to be the most depressing place in the world, hard to get out of bed in the morning and go play in that place.
#3 – Brian Thomas Jr.
BTJ really walked so Marvin Harrison Jr. could run. BTJ is so bad we don’t even talk about it. I mean holy shit balls, 7 catches and 88 years this year. YEAR! I know he was a big ol’ thot this week but he’s been flying under the thot radar for a LONG time. Somebody come get their mans. I unfortunately watched that game, and I forgot he was even on the Jags and I started him in Guillotine! Imagine being so bad, being such a bust, that we simply forgot you played football? I mean really, Brian, is life so bad that you can’t even give some poor lads some fantasy points? What did we do to deserve this. Looking as cool as he does, and wearing #7, you cannot be the 77th ranked WR in league. If I was a citizen of Jacksonville, I’d fire up my electric scooter, strap my walker on the back, load up some adult diapers, and burn the city to the ground for that performance.
# 2 Drake Maye
Drake, my sweet boy, why are you doing this to me. I was on the phone with the Thot board all night last night trying to defend not making you the #1 thot this week. “But please Mr. Boardman, he’s MY QB. He was in the Super Bowl last year, he almost won MVP, he makes great Papa Gino commercials, please don’t make him the #1 thot, please, PLEASE!” Mr. Boardman was not happy with me, I may lose my job over this, my life may be over, you might find me hanging from the battrroom. But holy fuck was this guy ass. I haven’t seen this much ass on a field since the Drake – Used to This music video (check it out, no free ads). I am at a loss for words, I literally cannot find words. I am a #DrakeMayeLover but I don’t know what to think anymore. Am I dreaming? Is this a nightmare? If so, wake me up, I have shit to do this weekend. (Destinee if you’re reading this, please don’t be mad, it was a joke, it may even make someone crack a slight smile in place of a laugh, and that’s worth it right? Right? Somone please tell me I’m right).
#1 – The back end of the fantasy draft
Now, as a man who drafted Brian Robinson #1 overall, I cannot be making any comments about drafting. But here I am, looking through the rankings this week and what do I see? Is that…could it be…do we have a Swag Master at the top of the list? I am 100% a C-Street enthusiast, I LOVE to see a fellow C-Street enjoyer kicking ass and taking names, but taking a look through his roster I see James Cook AND the Sun God?! We let a golden god fall to the second round? I was in AWE seeing Amon-Ra go so late, I mean Bijan Robinson was still available! If I knew St. Brown would still be there at the 2.03 I would have drafted differently! Shoutout to the Swag Master for sneaking that one by us, and for this week, we have a group thot to round us out. Wow, what a Shamalan twist. First we got Sydney Sweeney (sup) and then we get a Thotsome in week 2? I can’t wait to see what’s next!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. Drake should have been the #1 thot, poor back end of the draft (we don’t name names, this is a safe space) catching strays for no reason. I actually liked how they drafted, RIP Achane though. I probably don’t take St. Brown there either tbh, everyone knows in a REAL GOOD LEAGUE you gottta stack the RBs. Shout out my back half boys, had to take my Drake Maye frustration out on someone. #LoveYouGuys.
Honorary Mention: Omarion Hampton – no magic in the Hamptons this week huh guy?
Honorary Thot: Voodoo Magic – don’t think I forgot about that one UnderdogIsaac. I saw you cast your D’Andre Swift spell on me. But what you didn’t know is that I have a level 99 shield against all voodoo and spells. I had to upgrade after getting fucking demolished by the committee’s curse a few years back. I spent a lot of time and money (a lot of money, like, all of it, I had to pawn of some serious family heirlooms to fund this, my moms gunna be pissed) to stop another curse from happening. I bet you feel silly now, don’t you.
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