PKFCFFL

Everything sucks. The Saints suck. Vele sucks. Shough sucks. The falcons suck. Hell apparently I suck. I don’t want to write Tilty Tuesdays this week. But since I didn’t write it last week I’m hearing the ratings of the show will plummet even more than my 3 viewers I had week 2 (Shouts out to all you who commented at the end). So here we go.

Bitch Ass of the Week

This week’s bitch ass is Devaughn Vele. I fuckin hate this guy now. Did he have a bad week? Yeah honestly he did until the final garbage time drive when suddenly he looked like prime Julio Jones fuckin jumping in the air doing a little twinkle toes toe tap TD. Fuck you Devaughn Vele, I will never forget this.

Stud of the Week Alert

This week’s STUD of the week goes to me. The fact that I made it to work the past couple days and am even writing this Tilty Tuesday shows how much of a fuckin stud I am.

Lucas vs Pat

Yup using government names for this week. I mean business. And this matchup almost killed me. Let me run you through my thought process of that final drive in the Falcons vs Saints game:

1. Alright there’s like 4 minutes left, Saints have the ball, it’s straight up garbage time. They just need to not pass it to Vele and I’ll be good, they could even turn it over and at this point the Falcons are resting Bijan, so a turnover or no Vele catches and I’m looking good.
2. Vele gets like 2 catches during the drive, making it so I’m only up by 1 point. Olave gets hurt, so I’m nervous Vele ends up getting one more catch to have me lose.
3. Shough throws a pass to a rando near the end zone and it’s pass interference on the defense. Theres about 1 minute left, and the Saints are now on the 1 yard line, and again have lost their star WR due to an injury in garbage time already. And Shough is holding his hand like it’s injured as well. Why the fuck are they even still trying at this point.
4. I think “There’s no chance they throw it. Why would they? They’re literally at the 1 and it’s first down. Just pound it into the end zone and go about your day and take the FAT L you scumbags.
5. Suddenly they snap the ball and Shough drops back for a pass. I audibly scream “NO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THAT” Shough is just straight up staring at Vele the entire time.
6. Shough fuckin shucks it up in the air and Vele jumps up and does a little twinkle toes toe tap TD and a part of my soul dies inside of me. It could have been anyone, literally anyone else. But no. It’s Bitch ass Devaughn Fucking Vele. My number 1 enemy. Fuck that guy.

I was going to say Lucas may have been tilting when his entire team only scored 30 points before the Sunday night game. Then Bryce Young and Chuba combined for 48 points and Bijan and Bitchass Vele combine for another 45. So nope! No tilting for him, just more for me!! Oh also Tee Higgins and Rashee Rice got hurt. Rice got me fuckin 0 points so if I started literally anyone else aside from him or Wicks and I would’ve won. Fun!! Have I mentioned I fuckin hate Devaughn Vele yet?

Cobb vs Cam

Another brutal loss for Cam here who may be the only one tilting harder than me, and I don’t blame him. Capron St had a rough fuckin week this week, with both of us losing our matchups on the final play of our opponents games. Cam also suffered an injury to Saquan, and then Parker Washington might as well of taken the week off since he only got 1 reception for 7 yards. Rough rough week.

Cobb’s team all preformed pretty well aside from Ladd, who seems like an extremely annoying player to have this year. The dudes hobbling around injured and the Chargers keep throwing him out there to a pack of wolves, so you want to #StartYourStuds and play Ladd, but the dude is getting destroyed everytime he touches the ball. Might be time to give him a week off Chargers.

Alec vs Boschen

See went full last name for Bosch there in that title. I told you I’m not fuckin around this week. Alec’s team has been one of the #Luckiest teams this year with the least amount of points against on the year aside from Mickey Mouse Bailey. Some are even calling him Alec “The schedule” Maye, but hey that’s not me. Only thing I’m calling him is a bad TE coach. Jake Ferguson isn’t gonna get the job done for ya week to week pal. Shit on me for staring 2 TEs all you want but they make ya boy Turd Ferguson look like he should be playing pop warner. Tilt on that.

Boschen’s team finally picked up his first dub of the season and did it in crazy fashion starting a guy like Monangai who only scored 4 points the week before and then popped off for 30 this week. That’s just good coaching right there folks. Only tilting he may have to do this week is with his boy Bucky Irving. Bucky had a pretty rough week 2 weeks in a row now and the Bucc(ky)aneers look like hot garbage, so things might be rough for Bucky going forward as well.

Isaac vs Alexis & Destinee

The Cherry Street woes continued for Isaac this week. He lost to Mr. Hutchins last week and Mrs. Hutchins (Congrats again) and Lex this week. Isaac’s team had a few underperformers this week with Downs, Watson, and Swift, so it’s hard to point blame at a specific player. But I am going to point blame at one. And that one player is Joe Mixon. This guy was once a 2nd round pick in this league (talking about Alec’s, not mine… Holy Reach Alert) and now he’s a week 4 waiver pickup. Oh and I don’t mean a pickup in the NFL, I mean a pickup in fantasy because his ass got DROPPED in the NFL. Seahawks kicked him to the curve, Will Isaac do it next? Or will he continue the charity case of giving Joe Mixon a home? Tune into this week’s waivers to see.

The girls team looked good this week. Ya know what? I’ll even say it looked really good. They probably don’t have much to tilt about now, maybe aside from the Saints trash ass defense getting -3 points. But let me tell ya these guys are tired on their team. Nico Collins with 118 yards? Yeah he’s exhausted and not gonna run for that many next week. Tet McMillan with 192 yards? He’s so tired he’s taking a Bye week this week! Gibbs with only 46 yards…. Alright he might run for 200 next week. Let’s just hope the rest of their team is so tired that they decide to take it easy on little ole me next week who will be really sad if I lose again.

Bourque vs. Justin

It really hurt me to spell out Arron’s name like that. It just looks wrong. Bulldozer Bourque? No thank you. Bulldozer BORK? Oh shit. There’s some power there. Back to business… Arron pulled out the win this week even with Jamar Chase going down early with a concussion on an absolutely disgusting face mask penalty. I know Bork was tilting watching that play for sure, any decent human being would be, but a fantasy football Stock owner of Jamar Chase? Forgettabout it. This is Borks first win of the season so he’s gotta be hoping Jamar doesn’t miss this week and they can keep the good times rolling.

If I could describe Justin’s team’s performance this week in two words, it would be: Fuggin Mid. This dudes rostering 3 TEs and who knows which one he should be starting week to week because I sure as hell don’t. And I think it’s safe to say Jacory Crosky-Merrit aka BIG BILL… is BIG MID. Thankfully JT is an absolute stud but he’s not gonna be able to carry this team to wins every week all by himself. Let’s see if Justin starts throwing some trade offers around the league. I hear the girls may be interested in the Ravens defense that Justin has…

Wrap Up

Fuck Devaughn Vele. Yup that pretty much covers it! Comment what you think Isaac had for breakfast this morning if you made it this far. See ya next week.