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Thursday Thots

Before we get into any funny business, first, let me address the rumor everyone is on the edge of the seat about. Unfortunately, like most rumors, the truth is far less cool. On the night of Sunday September 4th, Rickety Cricket was in fact NOT sleeping through the Vele miracle. The truth is, he was in bed with his WIFE when he heard his WIFE’S phone blowing up like they just hit the second tower. At that moment, I knew, oh boy did I know. I knew that I had just the broken the heart of a man on Capren Street. I knew, just like the entire world knew, Devaughn Vele had made history. Did I hop on my phone to kick a man while he was down? To drink his tears and dance on his grave? No, I went to bed with a smile on my face, “The Saints go Marching In” playing in my head, and got the best sleepever while the YOLO Masters shadow boxed the late night away. Pure ecstasy.

#5 – Travis Kelce

Fuck it, lets kick a man while he’s down. We got the TE #5 dropping 2.5 fantasy points in the matchup of the century between YOLO Masters 420 and Rickety Cricket. Do we need to talk about how little 2.5 is? Because I would rather not go down that road again, I’m still riding a high. I am pretty sure if you stuck Taylor Swift out there she would put up more than 2.5 fantasy points, even if she didn’t, she would at least make a banger of a song about it. Travis, have you ever written a number 1 hit? The only thing you’re hitting is the fucking showers after that performance. Let’s see if he can shake it off and come back with a solid performance next week, I doubt it, but that was an ELITE level pun. Surely we won’t see him in a starting lineup next week, right???

#4 – D’Andre Swift

Does anyone have any free chairs laying around, because Swift just got CUCKED. Let me get my glasses out, it looks like the Bears had 232 rushing yards on Sunday. Wow, Swift must have had a great game! Wrong! He had half the touches and 88 less yards than the cuck master Kyle Monangia. Is he hurt, injured, in the dog house for fumbling? Who knows, but I haven’t seen a guy lose his job that fast since a coworker choked on a hot dog during a work meeting. In this defense, they had move lunch, and I don’t know if you’re allowed to do that. Swift better hope he is a one-and-done cuck, or he will be praying for a hit on Corn Cob TV.

#3 – Jake Ferguson

Fergalicious def, Fergalicious def, Fergalicious def def def def def def def definitely sucked! Now, saying Jake Ferguson is a thot is a little unfair as he never had the hype of a thot and was more of a loner like Steven Glansberg. With that said, people depend on you Jake. Your family, your friends, your teammates, and many a fantasy GM. One would assume if CeeDee Lamb can get open 17 times that Jake Ferguson can get open more than 3 times. They say everything is bigger in Texas, so maybe that 2.6 will go a long way there, but in this economy? In this real good league? That just isn’t going to cut it. My advice for sir Jake? Simply be better, maybe try a little harder, maybe get a fake ID with the name McLovin on it and get socked in the face while buying beer for your friends. It may not make you better at football, but at least it makes for a great story while you order 13 road beers with some local cops.

# 2 Emeka Egbuka

Add this man to the laundry list of stud college WR’s that just can’t figure it out on the big stage, and make sure to add him pretty high on that list. Now here’s a guy who is WR1 on a team that has no wide receivers and still can’t figure it out. FIGURE IT OUT! Marvin Harrison Jr. is going to be traded to the Pats soon and turn into Randy Moss 2.0 and we are going to have to crown Egbuka as the new Maserati Marv, and that just breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that they don’t want to see us succeed. Buddy has 154 receiving yards in 4 games! Tet and Ceedee both got more this past week! Maybe it’s just a QB or a team issue? Let’s check in with head coach Todd Bowles: “We gotta do a better job getting him going”. Yea, you think Todd! You think maybe you want to get the guy you drafted 19th overall going?! Hell of a strategy there Cotton let’s see if it pays off for them.

#1 – Rickey Cricket

Who the hell does this guy think he is? Some sort of god or 5-star man? Let’s just take a looksie into Rickety’s week or so shall we. First he takes down a juggernaut in UnderdogIsaac who had one of the best starts to a season we have ever seen but now sits at 2-2 (reverse voodoo?). Then he gets married, best day of the guy’s life, and ends up going 15-rounds with the sun and lives to tell the tale. Next, he comfortably beats the Yolo Masters on a last second, garbage time TD by the one and only Devaughn Vele that probably should have never happened. Now I know what you’re thinking, the Vele TD couldn’t have been that heart breaking. Well, let us take a look at the tape. It looks like that at the start of Sunday night football Mr. Cricket had a whopping 33.5 points and was down by almost 90 with only 4 players left. Some guys would have lost hope and given up, but not this guy, he capped off the best comeback since 4 nights in October. Rumor has it that he also parlayed Bijan Robinson 2+ TDs and a Vele anytime TD before the game. On an absolute heater, fuck this guy.

Honorary Mention: George Pickens, should be a perennial thot but I traded CeeDee in a dynasty league and have been praying to the gods for Pickens to get it together.